Breaking the Habit
by akutenshi5
Summary: Duo has finished a mission and is tired of fighting. Warnings: dark, angst, self-mutilaion


Disclaimer: We all know that I don't own Gundam Wing and I don't own the song "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park. Enough said.

Warnings: dark, angst, deathfic, no pairings

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Breaking the Habit

The door to the old safehouse creaked open as Duo walked through, entering the living room. Exhausted, Duo walked down the hall toward the bedrooms. The old house they were staying in had the faint odor of growing mold and the wallpaper was peeling. There were even a few cracks running along the ceiling signifying the different areas where the rotting wood was under too much stress from the heavy ceiling. Duo, however, took no notice of these things, having seen much worse living conditions in his lifetime. Instead, he concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other while his body screamed silent in protest.

Moving down the hall, he stopped at Trowa's room, registering the sounds of whimpering from within. Trowa's having a nightmare, he reasoned. He knew that Trowa never made that much noise when awake, so it would have to be a really bad dream. Duo briefly considered entering the room to wake Trowa from his nightmare, but dismissed the notion. He doubted Trowa would appreciate his act of kindness because Trowa didn't seem to like him very much. Maybe Trowa hated Duo because of the pranks he always pulled, maybe it was because of the insults about Heavyarms, or maybe both. Duo wasn't sure. It isn't as if Duo didn't like Trowa though. He only made rude comments about Heavyarms and played pranks to try to get a reaction from him, to try to allow Trowa to vent his anger, but it never worked. For every prank, every insult, Trowa managed to distance himself even further from the braided pilot. 

Duo sighed helplessly and once again dragged his feet down he hall. Next, he came upon Quatre's door, but didn't stop. His only thoughts were of putting one foot in front of the other without falling and collapsing to the floor in pain. Duo had a severely sprained ankle and several burns on his arms and back due to his last mission. Blood caked his cheek from a deep gash that would leave a scar after it healed, and blood-soaked pants stuck to his thigh where a bullet had scraped his thigh, grazing his skin. 

After Quatre's room came Wufei's vacant one. Wufei was currently on a mission with Nataku as his only companion. That was exactly how Wufei preferred it. Wufei was somewhat of an enigma to Duo, and Duo wanted nothing more than to break through to Wufei. However, Duo doubted that would ever be possible, because Duo only seemed to annoy Wufei. The image of Wufei's disapproving scowl and angry glare drove Duo from his thoughts and onward to his next destination. Heero's room.

Schooling his expression into a cheerful grin that would mask his pain, Duo opened the door and stepped inside. Heero was at his laptop typing away as expected. When he heard the door open, he glanced at the reflection on his laptop, revealing Duo leaning against the door, arms folded across his chest, smile firmly in place.

"Mission?"

"Complete. I sent the mission report to G in Deathscythe along with a copy of the information I gathered from the base. I kept the original copy. Here," Duo took a disk from one of his many hidden pockets and tossed it.

Heero caught the item without even looking up from his computer screen.

"Base status." He demanded.

"Like I said, mission complete. Dorwell Base has been leveled to the ground. At the most, a hundred survivors but none of hem will be in condition to fight any time soon." Shinigami's smile widened and a glint appeared in his eyes, and had Heero been looking directly at Duo, he would have pitied the soldiers that were unfortunate enough to have come into contact with the infamous Shinigami. Duo may have shown mercy, but Shinigami was heartless.

Satisfied with Duo's report, Heero turned his attention back to his laptop and resumed typing. Understanding the silent dismissal, Duo left the room gratefully, closing the door behind him. The smile left his face as soon as the door clicked shut behind him. 

Duo once again traveled through the hall till he reached the end, his room. Now he could finally allow the pain he felt to break through to the surface. Hissing softly, his hand gripped the doorknob, pushed it open, and less than gracefully stumbled into his room.

__

_______________________

"Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

[Unless I try to start again]"

_______________________

This is what Duo hated most about fighting. Not the pain after the mission, but the memories. The memories felt worse than pulling apart a cut, allowing the tissue tear more than it already was, allowing the blood drop to the stained floor below. Duo hated blood. The only blood Duo ever enjoyed seeing spilled was his own, but even then it always caused pictures of dying soldiers killed by Duo's own hands to flood his mind, consuming him. The smell overcame his senses, the feeling the warm liquid covering his hands and the blood splattering on his face as he stabbed various OZ soldiers. He could hear them try to scream as blood filled their lungs, seeing their horrified expressions as their bodies fell limp. Watching blood not his own pool at his feet. The phantoms haunted him, and he put his head in his hands, sinking to the floor against the wall. 

Duo forgot to close the door. Not that it mattered. No one would bother to comfort him even if they knew of his inner turmoil.

______________________

__

"I don't wanna be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused"

______________________

Duo remembered all the times he had gone out to battle on near suicide missions, hoping that it would be his last. Death was supposed to come to all soldiers, and of all the times he had battled and killed ruthlessly, why wasn't he dead? Duo didn't want to have lived this long. 

_______________________________

__

"I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I had to scream"

_______________________________

He had wanted to protect the colonies, but even the colonies seemed to be turning on the Gundam Pilots lately. The rejection overwhelmed Duo's senses along with the memories of the blood spilled by his hands making him silently cry out in agony. He would have cried if he could have, but he was passed tears.

_______________________

__

"I don' t know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean"

______________________

The others looked down on him in disgust because the thought he enjoyed taking the lives of others. Duo wasn't that sadistic even though he never bothered to correct the pilots' misconceptions. He even laughed and played along when accused of feeling so. He provoked the other pilots and played the heartless, carefree stereotyped street trash he was expected to be, pretending not to care about what the others thought. Then at night, he would sit alone in his room letting the memories over take him as he cut long, thin lines along his wrist with his most prized knife. 

_____________________________

__

"I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

_____________________________

He knew that it wasn't normal to prefer physical pain instead of the pain inside but he had done this for as long as he could remember. He also knew he wouldn't be able to take it much longer. The pain that filled Duo was the worst it had ever been. He tried to focus on his physical wounds to forget his mental ones. It didn't work however, as he knew it wouldn't. He finally gave in to his inner turmoil, invisible tears flowing down his face. 

He had attacked a training base, filled with new technology and experimental weapons. His mission had been to gather the information they had been working on then annihilate the base, taking as many people with it as possible. It hadn't been too difficult after he had passed the security because OZ had just drafted over 700 boys into their army to be trained to fight at Dorwell Base. They were all so young, and many of them had not wanted to be there, but they were the first to die. The training area was in the middle of the base, which Duo had surrounded by bombs. The bombs hadn't killed the new recruits, but the fire after the explosions had. Their screams still echoed in Duo's ears. He could still hear their pleas for mercy, and the companionship they shared by comforting one another while being burned alive ripped at Duo's heart as he choked on another sob. 

They were innocent and Duo did not think he deserved to live. The war was costing innocent people too much. Duo had ceased to fight so others would not have to because he knew that was not realistic. It was the Gundams' fault the teenagers were drafted in the first place! The base knew that it was a potential target to the pilots so they drafted more boys only a year or two older than Duo, hoping to turn them into soldiers in time to help defend the base against the pilots.

_____________________________

__

"So I'm 

Breaking the habit 

tonight"

_____________________________

Duo's personality towards the other pilots was merely a mask he used to hide his torment. The only thing that ever helped cure Duo's pain was his blade cutting through his kin, but even that would not work this time. A strange, empty calm seemed to overcome Duo and stopped the invisible tears, and silent sobs that escaped his lips as an idea came to him.

__

________________________

"Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before"

________________________

Duo reached into his boot and took out his blood-infested knife. Wiping it on the carpet, Duo cleaned it as bet he could without looking at it. He didn't want to see any blood except for his own. Clutching it tightly in his hand Duo tried to stand but fell into a helpless heap on the ground. He felt his helplessness more than ever before along with the pain that caused it. Crawling towards the door that he had never closed he shut it softly, reached up to the rusty doorknob and locked it.

_______________________

__

"I had no options left again"

_______________________

Now Duo could carry out his plan. He knew that he would not be able to fight again. He didn't have any way to escape his memories and guilt while being able to live in peace. There would never be peace for Duo in life. Not even the habit of cutting himself would help enough. 

Duo again crawled across the room and leaned against the wall in a corner of his room. He took one last look at his reflection on a mirror by the door. His eyes were filled with pain, his face pale from his untended wounds and blood loss. His hair was falling out of its braid, sticking to his flesh caked with ash, dirt, and blood. 

Duo turned away and looked at his wrists imagining the mess he would leave behind for his fellow pilots. He should probably leave an explanation, not that he owed them one. 

_______________________

__

"I'll paint it on the walls 

'Cause I'm the one at fault

I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends"

_______________________

"This is how it ends" Duo whispered. Slowly he pressed the knife down on his wrist, sliding it across, marveling at the pain and blood the action provided. He cut again and again, going faster each time. With each cut, the screams of the ones he's killed died away, replaced by the lust to see his own blood, draining his life away. He switched to his other wrist after there was no room to cut on the first. The cuts weren't as deep this time because Duo could barely grip the knife. Finally, when his knife was covered in blood and dripped on the carpet, further staining it's already worn surface, Duo was satisfied. His knife would not fail him, his habit of self-mutilation would end his pain forever.

Duo realized he had not left a message for the other pilots. Far too lightheaded, Duo knew he could not get up to find paper and a pen, nor would he be able to grip it. Staring at his wrists for a solution before his time ran out, Duo got an idea. 

He spread the blood on his wrist onto his forefinger and lifted it up to the peeling wallpaper. It took him a lot of effort to control his hand enough to write the short inscription on the wall and by the time he was done he wasn't even sure why he wrote what he did, but it didn't matter. It had made sense while he wrote it and he was too far gone to change what it said now. The pain that had seemed so unbearable a moment ago seemed to disappear and he couldn't feel his arms anymore. His vision blurred and he knew he was almost dead. 

______________________________

__

"I don't know what's worth fighting for

or Why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean"

_____________________________

"Finally, I'll never have to fight again." were his last thoughts as the memories of his screaming victims faded along with his consciousness. For the first time since as long as Duo could remember, he was at peace. No screams were there to haunt him as the darkness overtook him. 

__________________________

__

"I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm 

Breaking the habit"

_________________________

The pilots wouldn't disturb Duo's room until the next night when they would bid him to come to dinner, but he would not answer. They found Duo's lifeless body huddled in a corner, lying in it's own blood. On the wall above him were the words "Breaking the habit" written in blood. None of the other pilots ever figured out what Duo had meant by that, nor did any of them understand why such a supposedly carefree, happy person would commit suicide, but they supposed that may be there was much more to the pilot than they gave him credit for. 

They later wrote the inscription on Duo's tombstone after the war as his last words.

____________________

__

" Breaking the habit

Tonight."

____________________

~Owari~

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Well, that was the first songfic I've posted so I hope you enjoyed the lovely angst. I'm not sure if you understood my relation from the story to the song but I think it's self-explanatory. When I first heard the song this kind of just popped into my head and I _had_ to write it. It's taken me almost a month to post it though. 

Please Review!


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